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All that I am

When I was little I was born in Houston, Tx. I lived there till the age of eight. I was introverted and did not have many friends. In fact I was bullied by other kids. Then we moved to Bellville, Tx. on a farm. I had about 22 cats who I spent many hours playing with. Still a lonely little girl but I knew then of something greater than myself.

This was shown to me one day when I was walking around the farm. I first went down to the water to the boat which I was going to take out for a row. I moved the boat and out came a water moccasin. Needless to say, I dropped the boat and ran. Quite frightened I tried to calm myself by taking a walk down the road to our front gate. And again, a snake came out towards me. This time I did not stay around to found out what kind. Even more frightened I headed towards the barn. As I went through the gate, I saw another snake. This one was coiled and ready to strike. As I had been taught, I stood very still and did not move. Next to me was the fence. I watched the rattle snake with its head up and hissing at me. Then in one swift motion, I flung my body over the fence and ran. Never looking back. I went into my room filled with terror but…… I knew I had been protected. Three snake encounters in one day and the last one being so close to striking yet I was unharmed. This is not the moment I would say that I was born again. Just a memory I have of knowing there was a God.

When I reached the age of junior high, I had decided that I was not going to let people put me down and was going to live. When I say live, I mean not be the good little girl I had tried to be but push the boundaries in life. Not a wise decision on my part. Something that I can’t say I regret but have learned that my life would have been much easier if I had followed the right path.

In my 40’s my biggest fear was to become that lonely little girl with a bunch of cats in an isolated area. I fought to not let that happen. Making again not the wisest of decisions.

I am now 50. And I am that old gray haired person who lives on the side of a hill with 13 cats and not much of a social life.

What is my point? I am not the lonely little girl seeking worldly ways to fill that void. I have become the woman I have sought so long to be. The above description of me does not even begin to describe all that I am. If my life had not gone the way it had, bad decisions and all, I would not be what God and God alone has created in me. I am a product of His work. Not of my own accord. The lessons in life have taught me well. I live in no regrets because I understand the full magnitude of God’s grace. It took what was to become what I need to be now in my life. I have strength in my being that I could never have if I had been left up to my own devices.

There is nothing in life that happens by chance or accident. God’s will is to make us become as the word states. 1 Corinthians 13:4-13. In essence, love.

I could not do for my parents as I am today if God had not changed me to become the woman I am today. I would have become self-absorbed in this hardship of watching my parents slip away from me. But yet I find a strength I could never imagine. My road ahead will not be an easy road that I will endure for the most part physically and emotionally alone. But both of my parents know who their King is and their final destination. This gives me great peace and assurance for them. But even more so, this road will not be easy for them. Though we have assurance, we still go through a multitude of emotions. I witnessed this with my grandmother at the end of her time here on earth. But she always had those moments of clarity where she knew Jesus was with her. 

I am thankful for today. For all that God is and all that I am because of Him. This does not mean I do not have my moments of times where watching these things happen to my parents does not cause me to feel sadness. But for them and God’s glory, I will not stay there. I find the strength to enjoy what is and not worry on what is to become. A day when they will not be there. 

I say this with boldness in all the Glory of God. Because my assurance is found in knowing who is my King and ruler of my life. Then He blesses me with peace.

A lot of I’s in this blog that should be replaced with God. For it is Him. Always has been and always will be. Do not be a fool and give only a half-hearted attempt at a relationship with Him. Give Him your all. All the books in the world and reading the bible over and over again can not replace the Grace of an ever changing heart. This is His work and His intent. And for us to learn the bible and put it to use in the expectations He has in us.

So when hardships come, praise God. He will never give you more than you can bare. But He will purify you. Trust in Him. He is mighty and great. He is all that I am.

For in you,

I can see

Greater things

For you to achieve

You will find

much peace someday

Answered questions

You’ll find your way.

I wrote this in Feb. 1989

 

Father, hear my prayers

Father, shelter my fears

Father, open the door

That I may pass threw love.

I wrote this in 1988.

 

Master of Art

You call Yourself, the Master of Art.

Well, my Master, I call you a creator

For you have created wings on which I can fly

Never to far, Never to high

But to soar………….

To a place I can call home.

I thank you, my Master

For your creations are an Art!

I wrote this in 1987.

 

My Father’s Call

 

Come to me, my children

And you shall believe

The word, the truth, the light

I give for you to receive

For I have chosen you

Like your father’s before

To do for Me, My works.

To worship and adore.

I wrote this in 1990.

 

My Dearest Savior,

You have been, are and always will be my one and only King. I serve You.

Your child,

Beth

 

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Time

Time. We all need more time in our lives. Time to do paperwork, time to clean house, time to run errands and time to take care of ourselves and others. As each day comes, I do the best I can do. Finding that I do not meet all the above needs. (I am looking at a mound of paperwork I have to tackle today.) But my priority is to take care of my parents. That means not taking care of myself and my health issues. I do the best I can to get my required rest and eat as well as possible. But I will strive daily to make our lives easier so we can handle the big things as they come.

Each day I am amazed and humbled at how God is working in my life. The things that I do accomplish are all to His glory. For example, on Monday I told my parents that now we could start looking for a check from my dad’s retirement fund. (Something we desperately needed) And in my heart I knew……… Yes, bam the check was there in the mail on Monday. I am not physic! Simply put, God is good.

My parents health is a top priority that must be attended to. On Sunday I had gone to church and then to Kerrville to run many errands. My parents were not left alone. My brother was here. (his help is limited) Monday morning my dad’s BP was unusually low 83/50. I called the doctor’s office and he needed to be brought in. My mom was not doing well so she came with us. After being thoroughly checked out, we found out that he had dehydrated himself. This made me feel quite guilty for leaving him on Sunday. But reality tells me there is only one of me and God knows I am trying.

Unfortunately we have no family and few real friends to help us during this time.  (Some that would help but they are busy themselves. I understand.) But the reality is I need help. I can not stay on top of everything by myself. But I am comforted that God will show a solution. I have to be.

On Saturday my dad and I had words. And yes, my patience was gone due to the fact that I was running fever and not well. (Sunday night was spent next to a trash can.) I broke only to realize I was far from broken. Both of my parents are angry with me. This is a natural process of the elderly when they are loosing control over lives. The words my dad said to me cut like a knife and I stupidly retaliated at his accusations. This took me but only for a moment to a place of questioning God. If He loved me how could He put more on my plate than I could handle. Please note that I do not use the word bare. My son was a God send who listened as I found my way back. We both learned that actual faith can be tested. It does not mean you believe less. It is part of the growth process. And I know that some of the greatest teachers and preachers have had that test where they questioned. This seems to occur in people who have the deepest faith. For Satan does not care to attack those whose faith is shallow. He wants to sway those whose lives are truly dedicated to Jesus Christ and live as best as they can as a Christian. This test showed me not how broken I am but how far away from being broken I am because the Holy Spirit rules in my heart. And I never doubted His greatness. But for a brief moment His love for me. Honestly, why would He ever love any human. We are so flawed. But the fact is He does and His word says so. Ephesians 2:4. Therefore love is to rule in our hearts at all times. Matthew 5:43-48. (AND THERE ARE PLENTY MORE SCRIPTURES)

We can not escape stress. External factors will always be there to create stressful situations. But what we do with that stress is our choice on using the most useful and productive resource there is. Jesus Christ. In my world this is a continual acknowledgement that He is there in every aspect of my life. Not when I choose for him to be there but in all things. He is a great King who has ruled His people since He created us. There is no chance and there are no accidents. All is for His glory and His greater good. His greater good! Can we even begin to imagine what His greater good entails. I can not but I do know this………It has been, is and always will be spectacular! And all things will occur in His time, when He says and how He chooses. Not how we think. One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 3:5-6. Trust in God’s timing, in His will and His ways. Then use your mind, heart, and soul to make good choices. It is that simple.

I have been blessed with the ability to understand the scriptures in their fullness. Not because I am so wise but because God deems this so. I thank Him for that gift. The gift of discernment. The gift of prayers immediately answered. The gift of wisdom to react according to the word. (not always) The gift of writing which I am fully convinced He will use one day. And above all the powerful and graceful gift of His one and only Son.

I am not here to create war but to bring peace around me. Only Christ has the power of the sword. We do not decide who or what but let our hearts lead us in love. For my love for Him will never be greater than His love for me. This I truly know.

So if anyone reads this……….. Let LOVE rule your heart, mind and soul. And let it be known by your actions.

Dearest Savior,

How could I ever think that anything I do would matter more than what You do every instance in my life. I would be a fool. You rule me. You lead me. You are in control. I thank you for Your love which is the greatest love of all. I thank you for Your patience. I praise You for being a great King. I honor You in giving my all to You. I bow before Your glory.

Your servant,

Beth

Yesterday was just one of those days. For fun a scanned my finger on my son’s Ipad to see what my mood was. It said your emotions are all over the place and it could not tell, so it said I give up. This made me laugh in a trying moment. And was very appropriate except for the “I give up” that rang in my head. I give up is just not an options for me. Not a choice I choose to make.

The day started again as it had been for the last couple of days with my Mom thinking she was dying. This time it was the heart. Took her BP which was not unreasonable and checked vitals. I knew there was no need to call an ambulance. Especially since we were going into the doctors to have her blood drawn for necessary blood tests.

Because I did not know what was going to happen, I was trying to wrap up as much business as I could. We are trying to get our rental property sold. Something that needs to happen. Due to my Dad’s health, he had to quit his job. This was income we are used to having. The renters were asked to vacate property per request of buyer. We kindly gave them an option which they took but lost us more income for the month. The point is I do not have the money I need to take care of my parents. So, I am trying to get them a quick loan to hang on till our closing. My mother was great at finances but did not plan for the future. There is no life insurance or savings or any other investments except this property. Once closing occurs, I will have to spend time allocating this money to plan ahead.

I got my Mom into the doctor’s office. Which conveniently the real estate office was right next door. I got her situated then left key to property for our agent. (We are allowing buyer to stay there till closing since renters have vacated.) I went back to doctors office and talked with the NP that was there. The conclusion was to take her to the ER since they have limited resources.

After a comedy of errors at the ER, at least I have more answers. My mother is not fond of traditional medicine. She likes alternative. For years this has worked for her till now. We have known for a while that something in the brain was happening. Dementia is the probable diagnoses. But since she has refused to have check ups on other things, we will have many doctor appointments to get her health documented and rule out other things as well such as heart and vascular. The day before the radiologists office called and wanted to set up for a CAT scan with contrast. She was next to me and heard and started yelling “No”,  “I won’t”,  and “You can’t make me”. The tech fell silent and I honestly do not know what he was thinking. (I will not be surprised if social services show up 🙂 ) At the ER, after blood tests, urine tests, and EKG, a heart attack was ruled out. She is having blood pressure issues and it is literally all over the place. But I seem to have found a base line. After a week of monitoring, on top she runs in the 150. Bottom BP is inconsistent.  They were about to release her and I asked since she already had an IV in if it could be left so I could take her next door, in the same building, to have CAT scan done. At first the doctor said no, but I explained that I did not understand why we had to take an IV out and we would restick her when we were going only a few hundred feet. Then he jumped on the band wagon, called radiology and got her in. Something I was grateful for, so I thought. After she came back from CAT scan, she was becoming quite agitated. I asked her if they put contrast in. I finally figured out they had not and she had not remembered to tell them. I went to the doctor with my concerns. She had been in the ER approximately 1 1/2 weeks before with a CT. So needless to say, insurance would not cover the CT just done. So, they started scrambling. Finally found original CT which somehow had been put in another file. Who knows?? But they were going to fix. (Time will tell to see if we do not get billed) At this point the ER doctor realized her condition. His words, ” In people as smart as she was, they can easily fool for a while.” But he could see that she probably has dementia with anxiety. At this point he was willing to do what it took to help. He was in contact with her primary. He ordered an MRI with and without contrast. But getting her to do this was well………… We finally gave her an anti-anxiety pill and got the MRI done. This time I went with her to make sure. Finally we were to be released. We arrived at the ER about 11:00 am and it was 3:00 pm. (I had seen to it both my parents had received food but had not eaten myself.) The doctor said he would call and give me the MRI results. I called later and after talking to an obnoxious charge nurse who tried to argue with me that MRI’s are never ordered from the ER, he found the test results.  Conclusion is MRI was normal.

I know my mother has dementia or some form of brain deterioration. This was more evident on the ride home when she was hallucinating and seeing all kinds of things with her eyes closed. This scared my dad but I assured him she was fine. I know the Ativan aggravated the existing condition.

My dad has been diagnosed with brain ischemia. The main arteries are fine but all the veins to the brain are blocked with plaque. He has been handling this with grace but his body is deteriorating quickly. He thinks he is coming to the end. Only God knows. But in a way he has given up because he does not want to continue living this way. So, wills are going to be taken care of and all business done.

Two days ago, my son went to dentist. I knew he needed his wisdom teeth taken out but was not prepared for more. They found possible mucous retention cysts (plural) in his sinus cavity. They do not think it is anything but they are not sure. I am following up on this to see my son gets checked.

I thank God for creating me the way he has. I am ADD and a problem solver. When life throws me a curve ball, I adapt. I will start notebooks on each of my parents to keep accurate medical information on them.

The hardest problem is how do I tell I once highly intelligent woman what is happening to her. Or do I? It will take months for a proper diagnoses. Maybe I should just let the doctors. This I know is she will fight this all the way and it will tug on my heart to watch. So, it is very fitting that my emotions are all over the place. But my actions are not. And that is what matters.

This was originally written on March 15, 2012. I have not had time to edit and post. Since then a lot has happened. I will share on next blog post.

This is the beginning of a long journey for my family. We will follow Christ all the way.

Dearest Savior,

You are a Great King. You are Creator of all things. There is no limit to Your power and glory. You are in control of all aspects of my life. There is not one part of my life where You can not be found. I thank You, praise You and honor You.

Your humble servant,

Beth

Deactivate to activate

It has been a while for me since I have made a post. I started using Facebook in July 2011. Last night I deactivated my account. I did not completely close the account but left the option to use again one day if needed. It was a source for me to be in contact with people that I know and have known. But the resource became a stress and My great King showed me the errors of my ways.

The following is a list of reasons why I deactivated the account.

1. In the last two and a half weeks both of my parents (mom is 80 and dad is 82) health has gone rapidly downhill. Both of them have mentioned to me that they think they are possibly dying. I have set up mutliple doctor appointments for them. I have become their nurse and caretaker. And mainly their loving daughter that will do whatever they need to help them. They need me now more than they ever have and it is my turn to rise to the occasion with unnecessary distractions that at times can cause me stress. They have signed power of attorney to me and therefore all that it involves to run all of their affairs. I plan to write on this journey that I am going through with them. This is the best source for me to keep an account for what is to come.

2. I love to write and it is a passion of mine. Something I have put on the back burner and was using Facebook as a source for this outlet that helps me to cope. God has shown me that I need to pursue the gift He has given me. I am to write in this fashion as the creative writer that I am. Not on instant post that can be misunderstood and interpreted the wrong way. I will pour my heart into this resource so one day I will look back with gratitude of the things God has done for me and my family. To remember in honor of my parents the journey that I am on with them. For that matter, the journey God has me on in all of life. To see His Glory working in my life and praise Him all the way for being a great King.

3. The fact that I know longer will give my time on Facebook will allow me more time in prayer. Something I so desperately need to do at this time. Using Facebook instead of Him has become a weakness that I am willing to give up. He is my Rock. He will never leave me. He will not judge me but correct the errors of my ways in the love that He so graciously bestows on me. He knows me better than I know myself. And I am so grateful for all the things He does in my life. Big and small. As much as I appreciate the compassion that people have shown me on Facebook it can not strengthen me as much as my time with Him. I will miss these people and will always care but I must follow my calling. And one day may return to see how they are doing. Some might see this as a selfish act. But I know it is not. I keep these people in my heart and prayers. But at this time in my life as I am watching both of my parents slip away from me, my focuses need to be on Him.

I need to be more active in my everday life. To give as much as I can to the people right in front of me. I will always give kuddos and thanks to the Facebook resource. It was a way to heal some broken relationships and become better acquainted with friends from my past. I thank God for that time and for the means to heal these broken relationships.

I have learned a few things. Never be to quick to judge. No one can even begin to understand what another person is fully going through. The depths of the stresses daily and largely. People with cancer, chronic illnesses, family issues, friendship issues, and the list can go on and on. So much prayer, compassion, and giving of youself is a required action that we need to do. This the choice I make to put this faith into action. Ironically, this is the focus that my church is doing. For me, it started before that when I decided to start a youth group last December.

And I must be completely honest. I found cruelty, childish games and things that were hurting my feelings. The reason is because most people do not take the time to ask but judge quickly. So much miscommunication goes on. And if one more person posted another post about stupid people…… What happened to the days of being helpful instead of condeming.

I live differently than most. Not that I am better but at this point in my life my walk with God demands a higher road. I do not drink, by my own choice. I do not use drugs, only clonazepam to sleep and an occasional pain killer when the pain is to great. (3 times in the last 2 1/2 months) Money is tight at this point. I am hoping to close on my parents rental property soon. This will give me means to be able to give my parents more of the care they need. Luxuries like going to the movies, vacations, visiting a friend I dearly miss, just going for a relaxing lunch or just taking a drive that does not require being at a certain destination at a defined time are not my world. And I am OK with that. The other day as I had a necessary lunch with my father who needed to eat after a doctor appointment, I took a moment to look around. I watched the room around me and found so many other people dealing with things. A group of women who came in and at first in my selfish thinking, I thought how nice that would be. But when taking the time to look closer, I realized that one of the women had a medical issue. This humbled me. And immediatly removed my selfish thinking and appreciate that I was here with my father and one day that might not be. So I enjoyed that lunch with much gratitude.

I must share that I am not broken. I am human and feelings occur in my life. Stress is something we all live with in all kinds of forms. But I choose to make the right decisions to take the right actions. I will make mistakes but we are all on that great learning curve. But I will not give up because I know My Savior does not ever give up on me. I will take each day as it comes and apply the word of God to my actions. It will never be my glory that rules my life but will always be God’s glory that rules in me. I am blessed beyond my greatest expectations. And I will embrace all those blessings even in moments of weakness. For as God told Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

I must give a big praise to God (Father, Son and Holy Spirit……. three in one) for all the laughter that is shared in this house through these trying times.

This is only a part of my life. But the truth always remains. All the information and knowledge we have will never replace the Grace of God in an ever growing heart. ❤

Dear Heavenly Father,

Creator of all things. Lord and ruler of all. You have never given up on me. How could I ever give up on your expectations of me. Each time life gets a little harder, I will always turn to you. To give you my life to do as you will. And make the choice to take action according to your word. May others see that it is Your Glory that reigns in me.

Your loving servant,

Beth

Death

Do I believe that there is more for me beyond this life? With all my heart!!!!!!!!!! But without a shadow of a doubt I know there is only one way to get to where I want to go. Heaven or what I have always believed is my one true home. And simply put……….Jesus Christ.

How my heart breaks for those who are uncertain or who do not even know! And yes, I have had those moments throughout my life but never left there long. When I have strayed He has always brought be back into the Grace of His arms. To know who is the One True King. What more can we ask for in life but His grace.

I do not know when my time will come. Today or 20 years from now. It does not matter. That I live for Him each day is what counts.

Sometimes I feel like I have cheated death multiple times. And I have. Why??? It just is what it is. In our lifetimes on this earth we may never understand why God does the things He does. Do we need to? I think not. That is another reason for faith. If we had all the answers why would we need God.

This morning I lay here suffering but…………………..Surrounded by a peace that surpasses all understanding. I feel the presence of His love. It to me is almost like a sweet droplet of heaven. How grateful I am for this moment. And when eternity comes it will be forever. But the knowledge is passed to me that when my time comes it will never be at my own hand. Not my life. Not my right. All is His.

As I step outside, rain falls to a much-needed dry ground. Nourishment. How many souls look for this drink from the life waters of everlasting life? Or to feel what I feel at this moment? And as I looked, a plant which I almost through out because I thought was dead, is producing a beautiful bloom. A sign. I think yes. Be careful how we walk in our relationships with people. What you think may be dead may actually be something that will be given life. The truth is we will never be the one to decide who are children of God and those who are not. So therefore every soul we encounter must be treated as a prospect whether they confess or not. Which is why this moment is so precious. All the souls who have hurt, rejected, disliked, misunderstood, and have been just down right cruel have forgiveness from me in my heart. Not of my own doing. Just God living in this heart of mine. If He can forgive me for all my terrible sins then who am I not to forgive. Oh Glorious is my King that He save a wretched soul like me. How undeserving am I??? But that is the magnitude of His Grace. So I pray as I have done so many times. Knowing no one else will ever know me as well as my King. And to be given this gift He has given me is beyond………………… 🙂

A secular song comes to my mind. Feels like home. And yes, in this moment it feels like home to me. But not an earthly home. A place where we see but in a mirror dimly. One we will never fully understand while still alive. A place of perfection. Where all is right and no evil lingers. Where this broken body and weary soul will rest for eternity. So you can imagine to have this moment while alive is unbelievable. For I think I live now but do not comprehend that full awareness of being fully alive in a glorious body promised to me.

Sounds like a long for death but I am still human. There is that part of me which fears the unknown. But not now and not in this moment. There is no doubt of that which is to come. And death In His time is a certainty. But till He deems so, I will live for Him. My one true love.

Dearest Redeemer,

This gift You have given me this morning and so many, many times in my life is so precious. I will follow You through all ages. I will serve You through all eternity. Your love is massive and reaches far beyond the borders of this world we see. You are the solid Rock. You are the air I breathe. You are my EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Forever Yours,

Beth

Masquerade

Yesterday was Halloween. A controversial subject that many Christians have debated over. This was not what God laid upon my heart. To debate the issues. My mind and heart were led to a place of hiding behind the mask. Seeing so many costumes and pretend dress up lead me to think about how many hide behind a facade of illusions………………………….. As I write this, there honestly is not a person in particular I am thinking of. Just humanity in general.

Let me take a step back in thought as to what I mean. I have spent many hours on my porch talking with many different teenagers. Not something I have searched for but just occurred. I do so love each and every one of these kids. My porch is jokingly called my little sanctuary. But yet there is truth to that statement. It is the place I go to talk with God. Many hours of prayers but more than that many hours of gut wrenching honesty with Jesus Christ. I do not try to hide what I am to Him. There is no point. This is the place on this earth where I meet Him on His terms. Where my relationship deepens and grows in Him. So I do find this place special.

The youth I have spent countless hours talking to out there seem to find much peace. I have been told I am easy to talk to. The irony is that I would not be the choice most would use as a source to send their kids to for guidance. I smoke……………I do not ever encourage any kids to put a cigarette in their mouth. And even though it may sound hypocritical, warn them of the dangers. I speak truth. Just because a teenager sees us do something does not mean they should have the same rights. I do not drink. Just my choice for multiple reason. I do use prescriptions as needed. (Oh, if only people knew the countless hours I have laid in pain not taking anything so I would not be thought of as a drug addict. The sincere anger I have felt, but never acted on, towards those that have deemed me one. But that is another story. Or those that have called me lazy because I am chronically ill. Oh, if they only knew the suffering that I have and do endure.) The point being is that I am not a person of successes of this world. But………………….The Glory of God lives in me. Not because of me but in spite of me.

I do not masquerade as someone I am not. I do not fear others seeing my failures and God bringing me through. The downfalls of my self. Yes, it sounds like I may have a low self-esteem and there might be truth to that. But what I think or others think truly matters very little. It is ONLY what God thinks that matters. In my flawed self, am I doing His will? Or do I leave things to my own hands? That is the very battle in which I daily fight. The flesh or the spirit. I praise my Lord and Savior that He is my strength and do not rely on myself. Last night my soul screamed out to Him in pain and I bared all to Him. He knows this heart inside and out. And is not afraid to speak to me. THY WILL BE DONE!!!!!!!!!!!

The other day talking with a couple of teenagers at different times, I shared with them. I truly believe that we do our youth an injustice in not letting them see our flaws. Now I do not mean not having self-control or going against what scripture tells us to be. But to let them see the process. And how to let the Glory of God overcome. I shared my heart with them. Told them honestly of the struggle I was having in my heart with God. And that I had not been in a place that I would call at peace. Told them my experience of riding in the car with my son and seeing the beautiful sunset through the majestic hillside. (We are very blessed with gorgeous orange and pink glows that are just breathtaking.) And because of the struggles in my heart. Could not look at the sunset on that day because I knew that my attitude was not pleasing to God. But in that car, my son unaware and in my moment of fear, I did not hide my heart to God and begged that He forgive me. And in that sunset there was no fear. And that peace I so longed for returned……………….

When we find Christ as are Lord and Savior, our lives are not magically made better in physical terms. There will be struggles. There will be doubts. There will be trials. But…………………….. as long as we are real with ourselves and give our hearts to Christ. It is then and only then we KNOW the source that will carry us through. We find that peace and comfort in Him. And at each crossroad of our lives……. He and He alone will turn us the right way. Get yourself out-of-the-way and let the spirit flow. Let God change you and above all let His Glory be your source for who and what you are. He defines you and no one else. Not even yourself.

I do not fully understand why these kids seem to respect me so. The person I prayed to never be. The lonely old grayed haired chronically ill lady with a boat load of cats. 🙂 But…………………….. what they see in me is not the outward but the Glory of God living in me. Honesty, truth, real and flawed. But following my King with all my heart. So, I have become the person I wanted to be. His work of art. His Glory. And in this I find much comfort.

And if I am completely honest, today I am still having struggles. I am still at that crossroad and uncertain of what my Lord is wanting from me. But did not even David in the Psalms have those moments?

And as I took a moment to go outside and talk with Him………… Clear as can be. “You have a job for Me.” and no I am not hearing voices. It is just a knowledge passed to me. Oh, this place of uncertainty. Not knowing what. Not being able to see how much this broken body can give. Is it time for healing? Or will He simply give me strength as He has done so many times? All is in His hands. And I will continue to seek. Maybe that is all He wants from me. Just to be.

My Redeemer,

King of Kings. The one true God. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit. The light that lives in me. Lead me down Your path of righteousness. Show me the way. For I shall follow You through all eternity. I hear You call. Though I am uncertain. Help me to see more clearly. The path that You have laid before me which I am called to follow.

Your humble servant,

Beth

It has been awhile since I have had time to write.

I have spent a lot of my summer with teenagers around. This week I get a break while my son is at church camp. This is a good thing for all. Because the minds of teenagers are very different than adults. Not to blame but they are still on a bigger learning curve. Just the order of things. I am not saying I am off that curve but the relationship I have with Christ keeps my path straighter.

All this has taught me exactly where prayers are needed for our youth. They want to be so grown up and think they know better than most of us. Any mistakes they catch an adult make they use as ammo against us to prove they know better. This saddens my heart because there are so many wise leaders they could learn so much from.

I remember my youth and I was not so different. Thought the world was my oyster. That I could do anything. (Not a bad thing if in right context) It did not matter what responsibilities I ran from or who I hurt in the process. Thank you, my King, for showing me the light.

I believe God is with them but it is themselves getting in the way from seeing clearly. So much pain in the hearts of our youth. And bad choices on dealing with that pain. But I am not a Savior and can not fix that pain for them. All I can do is give a piece of my heart and let Christ do the rest. Because He is the ONE they truly need. I hope as many go off to their different church camps, a little more is learned.

I am grateful for a son who never stops seeking. And I have learned this is what I have to trust in. Be the parent I am commanded to be but never let him not see the Christ that lives in me.

The other day a friend of my son was with me. His mother was in the hospital. We were standing in the parking lot and a woman approached us for help. Her boyfriend of three weeks was in the hospital with a brain aneurysm and was in a comma. She was from the Dallas area. She did not know anyone and briefly met someone from his family and could remember the house. She just wanted a ride. And we gave her one. But as we left her at the house, which no one was there, I felt I had not done enough. (I always think of the verse we entertain angels unaware) she had mentioned something about taking a bus. I asked her how much money she had it was a little under $20.00. I reached into my wallet and handed her a twenty. She was appreciative. Even though we left her at a house where no one was home (It was what she wanted), I had done all I could do. After doing this the young man said he would never have done that. What if……… But as soon as she got in the car, I prayed and God heard. Have we taught our youth to be so afraid. This was not a person on the streets. She was at a hospital in a desperate situation.

Pay it forward is what I believe and Christ has taught me. Even though it may never come back to me it will be passed on to someone in need. And I already have all I need. My Savior. Random acts of kindness. It is who we are. To give what Christ has so lovingly given to us.

I will never stop giving of my heart and will continue to give to others. Random strangers or friends. And if I have been emotionally hurt, I will forgive. Now, that does not mean being a fool and let someone take advantage. But to always be there if needed. Because there is nothing wrong in holding someone accountable for their mistakes. It is how I try to hold them accountable. In anger or LOVE.

How the next generation needs to learn the depths of what that means. So glad I am where I am today and do not ever have to go back in time and do a do over. That is are great learning curve. Learn from your mistakes and continue on in love and forgiveness. Give of your heart because it is Christ that will hold it together. He is in control.

So, please pray that the youth of today get the heart of Jesus. As for generations this has been the order. Keep your eye on the prize.(As Paul says) and never loose hope. God is bigger than all of us. We are just a grain of sand but that one grain helps the tide from taking the whole beach. And pray for the grains that get washed out to sea. For they can return home. (Remember the prodigal son)

How I so enjoy this peaceful time alone with my thoughts and God. I have not had enough of this. But You always find a way to give that to me. And I know I never stand alone. You are always here. FOREVER!!!!!

Blessed King of Kings,

My hope is in You and You alone. You have the power to move mountains and save souls. Help our youth to grow in you. Help them to see. Give them strength when needed and show them the true meaning of love. Continue to mold their hearts into following Your footsteps. Give me and the older generation the strength and patience to trust You are at work. And the eyes to see that is true. To see the little changes that occur and praise You for Your greatness.

Forever Yours,

Beth

I think there is not a better answer than given to us by Paul. A man blessed with extreme wisdom. 1 Corinthians 13.

I have found myself reaching deeper in my soul to act as commanded. Love does not come easy and takes much effort. God loves us unconditionally. That is why He is a King of all Kings.

These are questions have asked myself.

1. Do I truly forgive or do I hold grudges? I found that I forgive. Credit due to Christ alone. My eldest son called me on Mother’s Day. I truly thought our relationship was non- existent. So much for what I thought. 🙂 Instead of bringing up the past, I reacted as scriptures quote. Mark 11:25. Now we can move forward. And I will lean on Christ to trust that He is working in this young man’s life. Christ’s amazes me how He works in my heart.

2. Do you tell brothers or sisters in Christ you love them and act accordingly? Honestly, not always but………… If I have had a conversation with someone about how great God is and at the end I find myself saying it even if I do not know that person very well. Why? Because it is a positive way of lifting someone up and in that moment I did love them as commanded. So, it was not a flippant attitude but fact. Yes, the L word gets thrown around loosely but in context to God never wasted. Even if I have been annoyed. I am commanded to, I will do and again all credit is due to Christ. Colossians 3 :13 – 14.

3. Can you still love someone even though they may be sinning and can you tell them what the word of God says without offending? Probably one of the hardest things we have to learn as Christians. To tell what the truth is, without using an offense tone or getting irritated. Again amazed by Christ. I have been in situations where I have had to tell what the word says and do it while respecting that person. (not easy!) And yet still not abandoned them but be there to help them. (Only one King can work through a heart the way He does. To let us see what we think does not matter as much as what we say and do. Gracious is He. Better than anyone deserves.) O.k. God just showed me. I love Him. Just got into an argument with my father over basically miscommunication. Yeah, I did. God is going to change this heart of mine……………forgive me and thank you, my Lord. A bunch of versus on anger. Joel 2:3, Jonah 4:2 and many more. Forgiveness leads to Love!

4. Am I a good servant? Not always. But I find as time goes on God has created a heart of being a servant to those around me. Even now as soon as I am done, I will start doing my father’s laundry. Even more I have learned to give without expecting something in return. I just do. And every once in a while I might say to someone pay it forward. All of Acts 26 from Paul’s transformation, to his testimonies, to his reactions to King Agrippa and Festus. Tears are in my eyes. Not of sadness but of joy and fulfillment that comes with the Word.

5. When suffering can I see beyond myself to still help others and can I not be afraid to ask for help when desperately needed? I struggle with pain. At times excruciating. My body wants to collapse but only through God’s help, I still serve those I love and even give to those who some would not think they deserve it. I still struggle with asking for help. But God is working on me.

I praise God for teaching me, giving me eyes to see, ears to hear and a heart that belongs to Him. It is Him alone that teaches me the true meaning of love. A big word but one answer. Jesus Christ. Though I may fail, He will pick me up. Though I may sin, He will forgive. Where I may lack in love, He will show me the way. I understand more everyday the fulfillment that comes in loving others as He commands. So simple yet we as humans make it so hard. And most important the completeness in being loved by and loving Jesus Christ. My Rock, my Anchor, my Counselor, my Teacher…………. My Everything.

Blessed Trinity,
No words can match that which You do for me every moment of every day. All I can do is share what You give me and tell of Your wonders. There is no other. There is no other way. It has been and always will be You.

Your humble servant,
Beth Hughes

Recently my life has been a whirlwind of change. Busy, busy. But in the center of it all lies Jesus Christ.

First story. My son’s One Act Play won state last year. He loves acting. For fun on a Monday evening I googled licensed talent agents. Next morning called. They were having their last auditions at 4:30 that afternoon till June. I asked if there was any way to get in. She put me on hold and came back with a yes. We needed to bring 3 pictures they could keep and a resume. Got my son out of school. Resume done. Pictures went smoothly. Even got to the audition early. It was a group audition. Every age, so I was allowed in the room to watch. She started telling us about their agency and said they were Christians. My heart skipped a beat. This was to good to be true. To top it off, my son nailed the audition. But we would not find out till the next day. And………..Yes, they wanted him. Headshots done on that Friday and contracts signed. (Christian music played in their office) O.K., my son is signed with a talent agency. Big change.

Second story. My health is yucky. Easter Sunday was especially bad. Even put in a prayer request. Next day, a dear sweet lady who has an unbelievable story of health problems called to share some information. (She heard the request and felt moved to call.) That I needed a certain test done. The next day I received in the mail orders for blood tests. That test was on the list. MRI and blood tests to do but my neurologist will not stop looking for answers. Another answer to prayers.

Many things have been happening. Lots of unusual good. I have not had enough time in my days but………………… I never forget to thank my Lord. I miss the slower time when I had more alone time with Him. But He is with me always.

I love how all the things I have been through in my life have truly changed my heart. Something God can only do. He is my anchor. He is my rock. I think of what He would want me to do. Even if it is something that the Bible could not answer. Was it the right thing to sign my son? Time will tell.

All in all, Jesus Christ will always be what matters most. And my trust in Him. Through good and bad. And I am never to busy to talk with Him.

My most trusted One,
You bless me beyond my wildest dreams. You keep me going to do for my family and others when I think I can do no more. You carry me when I fall into dark places. And You never leave me there for any length of time. How can I thank You enough? I will praise You, I will share Your glory with others, and I will worship You and only You. You are a great King.

Eternal Love,
Beth

Up late. Not worried or stressing. Just grateful and feeling much peace. Wishing this for others. Walked on my porch and talked to my Lord and Saviour and suddenly the wind picked up and stirred all around. I am so blessed to have this great Savior who loves me.

How many live with this assurance I have in my heart? This trust that whatever tomorrow may bring, my life is in His Hands! That all my imperfections and mistakes are for His glory. That my life has no meaning without His grace. To love the simple pleasures of life and the beauty of His creations. To have judgement bounce off me and know that the only one worthy of judging me knows all the truth. Even the depths of my heart where many hide things that cannot be hidden from Him. (Point is …….. Why bother trying to hide???)

So much sin and destruction in this world. Some live in fear or some live in ignorance. I see…………… And truly understand when the scriptures say we are seperate from this world. My soul is filled beyond expectations. This is my temporary home. And what importance is of my life if it was not ruled by a perfect King. What glory would there be if I had no need for Him?

I could make a list of all my trials and tribulations but not tonight! No need for any pain killers. (literally) This night is Yours, my King.
Tomorrow could change for I can not predict the future. So I will relish in all the love and beauty of You.

Alone and all is quiet except for the music on this I-Pad. But I am surrounded with His love and presence. Which humbles me to just lay my heart at His feet.

So, on this peaceful night I will write on His glory. He is not a far off God. He is alive. He is here now. Please believe me. He is everywhere. He knows everything. Even when you think He is not there or you can not understand why life is going they way it is………HE IS THERE AND NEVER STOPS LOVING. His love is eternal.

He is the one being you can completely surrender your love unto and fear not. He does more for us than we could ever do for ourselves. He is beyond our own mind’s comprehension. We can know in part but one day will know in full. He is the Father. He is the Son. He is the Spirit. Three in One. You can only reach the Father through the Son. He is everything. The reason we exist. The reason we breathe.

My King, My King, how great my love is for You will never compare to Your love for me. For Your love is perfect in a world where there is no perfection. For You are perfection. How lost I would be without You. Only You, sets my soul free to fly far from the burdens of this earth. Only You, protects me from those who want to harm or destroy me.

How well I know that I do not deserve Your love and grace you supply in such infinity. That my fear is only in not pleasing You. That my choices are those that glorify You. That if I fear walking alone, I shall shout to the highest hills that I am not alone. You are with me and You live within me.

My one and only Savior, words will never be enough for your praises but continue to give me this humble heart to know where I bow. Lead my mouth where You will. Lead my life for Your needs. Do with me as You will for Your sake and glory!!!!!

In the truth and love of Your Greatness,
Your forever child,
Beth